Ben Poole

If you’re not following Text From Dog…

Ben Poole — Sun, 1 Jul 2012 20:29 +0100

… you really need to be :-)

Starting with offline web apps: the cache

Ben Poole — Thu, 9 Jun 2011 21:57 +0100

When coding off-line web applications, you have to use a thing called a “cache manifest” (more on these later, I promise). Put simply, these are text files which dictate to the user agent which web pages, images and resources should go off-line and which should not. The browser will not detect changes you make to your pages, Javascript etc. unless the byte signature of the manifest has changed in some way. Typically one does this by adding and / or removing comment lines in the manifest (as with many languages and config. file formats, these comments start with the good old hash symbol—“pound sign” to my trans-Atlantic chums). I tell you this dear reader, because you can tell the developer’s state of mind by following these comment changes over time.

Let’s look at a typical cache file history over a typical day for a typical (nameless) developer. They start well:

#Build 017 09-Jun-2011 1520

They then… falter:

#WINGNUTS

Frustration kicks in…

#FOR FUCKS SAKE

And then we sometimes find ourselves in a very strange place indeed:

#SLANGPLOPPY doodle

But never fear dear (traumatised) reader! For after all this, we have TRIUMPH!

#HAH! I DID iT you BASTid!

(I can’t recommend moving on to #WHO'S YER DADDY though. That always ends in tears).

(Fret not, proper posts on this topic will be coming soon :-)).

How to work with your developers

Ben Poole — Mon, 6 Sep 2010 13:14 +0100

The first part of an occasional, irregular (in every sense of the word) series of posts outlining how to get the best from your developer.

The software developer is a simple soul. Whilst you should keep yours caffeinated and with a steady supply of things to whine about (I think everyone knows those rules), there is a fine line on the “whingeing” part: you can go too far with your developer! Here are some tips to bear in mind when trying to optimise your developer experience. The focus for today’s selection is “Project management” (yes, that mythical concept). Here are some tips:

Do not maintain covens of “Business Analysts” whose sole function is to chase developers for the status of any given issue (ignoring the expensive issue tracking system put in place to do just that)
Timesheets. Just don’t
Do not issue random miscellaneous report requests
Do not assign upwards of three issues at once and expect all to be resolved within minutes, whilst running around organising emergency meetings and shouting (this is also known as “flailing”)
Multiple issue tracking systems. Pick one, and stick to it.
Never send round miscellaneous issues in a random email or spreadsheet (see above)
If you assign an issue to a dev, leave it at that. No chopping ’n’ changing!
Never invite devs to interminable meetings where issues are debated. Thrash them out first, then communicate the issues quickly. So, you know, the work can get done
Developers aren’t so naïve as to expect managers to consult them re deadlines. But can they at least communicate them?
Timesheets. Just… don’t
Don’t ask developers knee-deep in code to suddenly switch focus and perform deployments. Time-table your releases in all environments, and set expectations accordingly
Do not expect your devs to reel off every single change / fix in a given version of the software, past present and future. That’s what you bought that tracking system for (see above)
Never say, “Where are we with this?”—that’s what you bought that tracking system for (see above)
Estimates (AKA “guesses”) should not become absolutes
Fucking timesheets. No no no!
Do not combine two disparate issues into one. Once the developer has worked on part 1 for day or so, proceeding to tell him or her that part 2 is the vital bit, (“in fact we need it in UAT, like ten minutes ago!”) is likely to cause mayhem

I hope this has been educational and insightful; please feel free to add to the list in the comments…

I’m such a child

Ben Poole — Tue, 9 Sep 2008 21:36 +0100

Pretty much every night this dialog pops up on Kinky (my “Blackbook”), and every time I see it I smile.

Vista: wow!

Ben Poole — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 12:59 +0100

Just look at the excitement on their little faces! Yup, Vista is here… Wow! indeed.

Update: Jon Stewart interviews Bill Gates on the Daily Show. I love the question, “What does the F12 button do… is it a joke button?”. Gates comes over well.

And then there’s this footage on YouTube. The inevitable question about OS X!

Bill Gates lists Vista ‘innovations’ Apple’s had for years.

My name is...

Ben Poole — Fri, 16 Jan 2004 00:23 +0100

… Ben, and I’m a coffee bigot. This cartoon encapsulates Starwank, and all the other shite coffee franchises, for me. Sorry.

Bonkers

Ben Poole — Sat, 20 Dec 2003 16:31 +0100

Oh the chaps over at Crazy Apple Rumors [sic] are on a real roll at the moment… Go and take a look at their Christmas posts. Most entertaining:

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Helpdesk

Some Holiday Down Time

Rude Christmas

Ben Poole — Fri, 19 Dec 2003 16:12 +0100

This really made me laugh… I’m surprised Volker hasn’t spotted it yet ;-). UK readers au fait with Graham Norton may notice someone familiar in the line-up…

Come All Ye Faithful.

Warning: this isn’t particularly explicit, but it does have a rude theme.

Baby Got Back

Ben Poole — Sun, 12 Oct 2003 20:52 +0100

As someone who studied Latin between the ages of eight and eleven, then again from thirteen to sixteen, I cannot describe the enormous pleasure I felt at reading this page, De clunibus magnis amandis oratio (Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back):

mehercle!
Rebecca, ecce! tantae clunes isti sunt!
etc.

Marvellous. Via Charles Miller.

Addendum: Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases.

Geek humour

Ben Poole — Fri, 3 Oct 2003 17:42 +0100

Well, it is Friday. My favourites are the "Simpleton" and "Fromage" resign patterns.

Resign Patterns: Ailments of Unsuitable Project-Disoriented Software by Michael Duell. Via java.net.